Here's a confession: I've always thought we'd end up together.
And here's another confession: I think a part of me had always wanted for us to end up together. And maybe that's why I remained connected with you. You pointed this out one time, when you reminded me that I told you I never stayed in touch with my exes. You told me that you were glad we're still talking after we had broken up. I remembered rolling my eyes, then, but it was true. Also true is that I still wear the matching bracelets we got a year ago. Do you still wear yours?
I don't love you, but I never really understand my own emotions. I feel like I've been so good in hiding what I truly feel that even I get confused with my true intentions and feelings most of the time. How could I still love you when I was the one who broke up with you, right? I don't think that's fair for you. I was nothing but unfair to you, I realized. I thought you were emotionally immature. I even told you that. But from my high horse, I couldn't see that I, too, was—is—still emotionally immature, even more so than you.
I'm not sure if I love you, but I know you will be good to me and for me. Before you, I've only dated one guy who treated me nice. After him, I was quite destructive. I never learned to commit to anyone after him. I drift from one man to another. Until you, of course. We talked the first night as if we've known each other for a really long time, as if we're actually old friends who have rekindled their friendship after being disconnected for quite a while. You were so nice to me and so kind. You care about me, but I took you for granted. I thought it was beyond me to have a genuine nice guy take care of me. I was quite stupid thinking that. I'm still quite now. I knew you wouldn't hurt me. It's just not your nature.
My favorite memory of us was when we slept together naked. And I woken up first then and I saw how relaxed you look when you sleep. And how serious. I shook you awake then, saying that I had to go. But really, I just wanted to see you smile. I was grasped by an idea then that I wanted that, to sleep naked next to you. I've never been comfortable with my body, but with you, I could be naked all the time and I knew you wouldn't mind.
I tried masking my own emotions with lust and that's one of the greatest mistakes I made because you are not just someone to bed, you're not just another sex. I tried reconnecting with you, but you told me that you couldn't be in a relationship then because you needed to focus on the boards. And I understood that because I was in the same situation just a year ago. So I became sexual with you. I don't know. I did that to continue talking to you, I guess. Or because I never knew how to be your friend. It worked, though. We talked. But I know it's not what I wanted from you. I wanted you. All of you. I want you smiling down at me from a mirror, just like the first time we met. I want you to hold me down and kiss me. I want to read your sweet messages written with your distinguished tiny scribbles. I want you.
I always treated you like you're less than me, when you're not. You're so much more. You're so much better than me. You're infinitely and genuinely kind and sweet. You don't have an angry, dark bone in your body. You're always smiling and laughing. And maybe I envied that, and that maybe that's why I tried putting you down. And I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry for that. I'm so sorry for everything. I never should've done that. If I knew how to treat you better, then maybe, just maybe, we'd still be together.
I wish you all the happiness because you do deserve to be truly happy. You also deserve to be with someone who can and will treat you right.
Please know that you are one of the greatest people I've had the opportunity of meeting. Thank you for being part of my life and thank you for sharing your light with me. I guess I do love you. I know I love you.
Here and always,
[Redacted]
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