The sun painted half his face with bright, yellow-orange light; the other with deep, dark shadows. As I looked at him, he stared down below, at the colorful houses and their technicolor roofs and walls. The setting fire softened the usually vivid hues of blues, greens, and pinks. We used to come here a lot and sought images created by the household grooves and nooks. He always lost to me because, he said, he saw the technicalities of everything, especially in structures. He’s a civil engineer, alright. But at that moment, we were two boys, watching quietly.
“I’m sorry,” I began. During stressful and emotional situations, I tend to dissociate. As I said my apology, I heard it as if I was outside of my body, hovering and listening above.
“Don’t apologize. I should be the one saying sorry,” he said. He told me how his co-employees made fun of the way he spoke and how his voice sounded like. But I found it endearing; its lilts and softness. I couldn’t stay or even get mad when he spoke like that. “I got afraid of losing you. You’re important to me.” I could hear his voice cracking. And here I thought that I’d be the first one to cry.
“I like you, too,” he said after a brief silence. “I think that’s quite obvious in the way we greet each other in the morning and at night. The way we talked with each other. I really like you just notー” I spoke before my mind could stop the words. “Why did you let me do all these things to you, then? You knew I like you and you told me you like me back. You let me act as if the feelings were mutual between us, but it’s really not. Far from it, in fact. I feel stupid.”
He tried to stifle his sobs, but couldn’t. His cries made me feel like I was the one who’d hurt him, not the other way around. I could still feel the huge rock that dropped at the pit of my stomach when he told me that there was another guy.
“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the other guy?”
I couldn’t extract the sting from my last statement. Nevertheless, he took it calmly. He didn’t answer, though. He just gave me another apology. I had so many thoughts and questions. I didn’t need empty sorries. I wanted to know the answers to it all.
The sun was taking forever to set, as if after millennia of being the spectacle, it saw us as something more interesting and had decided to lag behind to watch. I wondered how many sights such as us had the sun seen? How many hearts did it witness getting broken? How many relationships severed because of a mistake that snowballed into something huge and irreparable? While the literal sun was taking its time, it felt like ours had already set.
“Why him?” He looked at me and I saw that his eyes were wet. “You confessed too late,” he answered.
“Too late?” I was incredulous. “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you liked me?”
“I did. I do! Right from the beginning.” He smiled sadly at me. “You make me want to read and watch and listen to everything. You talk about things with so much zeal, it’s so adorable to watch. You’re smart and endlessly fascinating.” His smile dropped. “But then you told me that you’re only looking for a friend, so I didn’t tell anything. I didn’t want to ruin what foundation we already had. And then, this other guy came along.”
I remembered this old song I used to hear a lot before. It’s about someone literally being too late, so the girl had no choice, but to choose someone else to love and marry. I thought that it’s unbelievable for something as grand and essential as love to be dependent on something trivial, like being too late. But here I was, being told that I was too late. The rock at the pit of my stomach sunk further. God, it hurt. There was nothing more painful than being on the brink of something so beautiful and falling short.
“And right now, I only see you as a friend.”
“Why don’t you pick me? Choose me instead.”
I was shocked when he held my hand. It was soft and dry against my sweaty palms.
“I don’t know what the future holds, but today, I choose him. And I’ll stick with that decision.”
“I haven’t realized just how cold you actually are until now.” His smile looked pained, so I added, “It’s just an observation.” He shrugged and commented, “That’s fair.”
No, I thought, it was not fair. Not even close to breaking even. He willingly chose the other guy and broke my heart in the process. More than that, he dangled himself to me, making me think that he also liked me the same way. He flirted back when I did. He watched me make an absolute fool of myself. I wanted to tell him all that and more, but the beauty and fragility in his deep-set eyes, the high aristocratic nose, and the full lips told me otherwise. I really couldn’t hurt him like that. I wish I could. I wish I could inflict pain and tell him things, just so he could have the least bit of idea how devastated I was feeling, then. But I couldn’t. Stupid fool.
“So, this is it, then?” I asked flatly. “You choose him, not me. And we’ll just pretend and try to forget that the months we spent with each other were nothing.”
“I don’t want that,” he replied. “I still want you in my life. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s the truth. You’ve been such an important person to me, and I couldn’t bear to let you go.” He took a deep breath and sighed. The shadows on his face were growing longer as the sun was finally down to its last rays. “But of course, I wouldn’t force you. I don’t want you to think that I’ll treat you as a safety net, or as an option, when the thing with this other guy failed. You’re more than that to me.”
I didn’t want to cut him off from my life, too. He was still a good friend, despite everything. But I knew myself and it would be too much for me to deal with this. I thought about the faceless, nameless guy and I could feel my heart shatter into even smaller, sharper pieces. He became the embodiment of all my insecurities and inadequacies. The reason why I wasn’t chosenーwhy I would probably never be chosen by anyone else.
“Give me time,” I finally said. “Let me deal with my emotions first and when I’m ready to be friends again, I’ll contact you.” He smiled at that and I could see why I liked him so much. “I’ll wait for you,” he told me.
And I, too. I knew I’d leave the lights on and the doors open for him. If he ever chose to leave the other guy, no matter how stupid or desperate it sounded, I’d open my arms for him. I’d mend his wounds and take care of him until he’s strong enough to love again. It sounded cruel to do all things just so he could love me back, but...I already had been a fool for him. Might as well ride it out until the end.
I stood and offered my hand. He took it and stood as well. The sun was gone and the moon had lightened up the sky. “I’ll see you again, okay?” he said. “See you soon,” I told him. I watched him walk away and let the tears finally flow.
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