PART FIVE: And We Become Silhouettes When Our Bodies Finally Go
It had been a year since Parallel New—my Hin—came to my life. Gun hadn’t been in touch after the last time we talked. He probably thought I was already a lost cause.
Every morning when I woke up next to Hin, I’d have that sudden feeling of nostalgia. A part of me would think that he hadn’t left for Italy and that he chose me, not that other guy. But then reality would slowly creep back in and I’d realize that this was a whole different person. After so many months together, I still couldn’t fully convince myself that they’re not the same. And maybe that’s okay. The things that bothered this universe’s New didn’t bother parallel Hin. He didn’t get mad at me when I didn’t fix the bed. He didn’t scold me when I was too picky with the foods we ate. He just laughed when I got too clumsy and dropped something. Our life together was good until a knock on the door disrupted everything.
I was preparing lunch for the two of us. Hin was sitting on the kitchen table with my iPad, watching a series. He still had a bit of trouble comprehending spoken words, especially laced with a different accent, but the subtitles helped. STACY transcribed this universe’s letters to Gaia’s own symbols. He was so intent on watching Breaking Bad that he didn’t hear the knock on the door. I had to call him twice to get it because I got my hands full.
I was worried when he didn’t come back to the kitchen after answering the door. I set the stove on low-heat, wiped my hands on my apron, and went to the other room. I was shocked when I saw two News on my living room.
“Hi, Tay. I love what you’ve done with the place,” he said. New was standing there in his casual business attire with his leather messenger bag and nonchalance. He seemed to look at everywhere other than his doppelganger who was standing in front of him, staring at him intently.
How many times had I dreamed and fantasized for this to happen? For New to leave Italy and come back here in our smaller, less fancier, but much cozier home. In every version, what I did is pull him in my arms and hugged him so tight he couldn’t break free. But now that it actually happened, I was frozen on my tracks. New walked towards me and gave me a hug. It was different from the embraces he had given me before. I didn’t hug him back. He released me, but his hands were still on my upper arms, rubbing it. I still couldn’t believe that this was actually him. He smiled at me and said, “Let’s talk.”
Parallel New made coffee and served it to us in the living room. After that, he locked himself inside the bedroom. New took a sip from his cup and put it down. “You know in Italy, I got used to really dark coffee, ones that are so much stronger than barako. And every coffee in comparison became so much sweeter.” He paused and added as if not to be offensive, “But this is a nice cup.” I didn’t move. I just stared at the dark liquid on the table. When I talked, my voice came cold. “Why are you here?”
“Officially or unofficially?” he said with a chuckle. He had changed. Something in Italy changed him from a sweet, timid guy to a much confident, brazen one. He now had this air of condescension that I couldn’t stand. He was no longer the Hin I knew and loved.
I didn’t reply, but he gave his answers anyway. “Officially, I’m here to talk to a hotshot Filipino executive, but I wouldn’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say that my boss trusted me enough to do the talking.” He paused, probably expecting an exclamation of awe from me, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. When he spoke again, his voice became so much softer, like how he used to talk to me during my bad days. “Unofficially, I’m here to see you.”
And there it was. It’s cruel how you mend yourself when you thought you had become irreparable from the pain a person caused you and built yourself again only for it to come crashing down when that same person so nonchalantly waltzed back in. All the years I spent forgetting him and forgiving myself for my shortcomings to our relationship were now gone. The progress I had was now insignificant. It’s so brutal for him to come back here unannounced and watch me crumble again. I could feel the tears behind my eyes and the lump on my throat growing, making it harder to breathe.
New grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb against it. In that same soft voice he said, “Tay, you have to stop this. That guy is not me.” He pertained to Parallel New with so much repulsion that he didn’t even bother masking. “You have to move on with your life and not play house with that stranger.”
“That stranger,” I said. “Had been with me for a year. That stranger has a name and has feelings and is a human being. That stranger is the one I’m in love with.”
I raised my eyes to look at him and regretted it immediately. Because in his face was the same pity he had for me when he left for Italy. He still saw me as that helpless, inadequate guy that he had to leave for someone better. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Because I talked to Gun and he said you looked terribly confused and I can see it.”
“Do you remember the promise you made before during our annual getaway trip?” He looked lost when I asked him that. He couldn’t remember. I sighed. “You told me that no matter what universe we’re in, you’d love me the same.” His face relaxed into an ‘Oh.’ expression. “What if he was this parallel version that was sent here to love me? What if I wasn’t meant for this universe’s version?”
“How are you even sure that he is from some parallel universe out there?”
“He told me.”
“He told you. Huh, okay. But what if he’s just a con artist, have you thought of that?”
“You saw him. He looks exactly like you.”
“I know! And it creeped me out! But I read somewhere that it is actually possible to have someone who looks exactly like you in this world. Note—in this world, in this universe. What if he was just that and this was all an elaborate plan to deceive and fool you?”
“Oh, now you’re concerned about me being deceived and fooled? As if you hadn’t done that before?”
That got him silent. He let go of my hand and I noticed him fiddling his left ring finger. It seemed like an unconscious habit as he was looking at the space in front of him.
“That’s unfair, Tay,” he finally said. “It’s so unfair to use that against me, when all I did is choose something that I know would be better for me.”
“And I wasn’t that something? Hadn’t I made you better?”
“No,” he said curtly. “Being with you made me feel stagnant and domesticated. You trapped me in a routine, in your goals and dreams. You didn’t even ask me what I wanted.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me? Five years we’d been together and you’re only telling me this now? You didn’t even give me a chance to correct my mistakes. You're unfair.”
“I was scared!” he shouted and he looked like it. He was on the verge of tears, but somehow, the fiddling made him calmer. “I didn’t tell you anything because I was afraid that you’d take it the wrong way. That you’d overreact. And that you’d eventually leave me.”
“But you’re the one who left,” I told him. Tears were now flowing down my face and I didn’t bother wiping it off.
“I know and I’m sorry. I was a coward,” he said. “Until this new guy from work came to my office and had a conversation with me. And he made me feel things that I hadn’t felt with you. And he offered me something that you hadn’t given me.”
“What? Money? A career? Better sex?”
He sighed and looked at me. His eyes were dry. “An escape.”
That was the last hit and I felt my heart cave in. All these years I asked myself what I did wrong. I finally got the answer, but I didn’t expect it to hurt so much. I heard myself sob, but not one of the two News who were in earshot did anything. Finally, the one sitting next to me on the couch wrapped his arm around me and put my head on his shoulder. “Tay, I’m sorry. It’s time to let go and move on now,” he whispered.
I pulled away, tried to stop my crying for a few seconds, and wiped my eyes raw. I grabbed New’s hands and told him, “Get back together with me. I promise I’ll be better. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Please, Hin. Choose me again. I love you. I still love you. I never, for one second, stopped loving you.” He pulled his hands, wiped my tears, and smiled at me. He even combed my hair like he used to. And a part of me knew that this was another goodbye.
“I can’t be with you, Tay,” he said carefully. “I’m married.” That explained the fiddling. He removed the ring before meeting me, but fiddling it when he’s stressed had become a habit that even without the band, he still did it. He noticed that I was looking at his finger and he closed his hand in a fist. He grabbed my hand again and said, “It’s time to let go, Tay.”
I sensed him stand, but I didn’t look up at him. He said something about being in Makati for a week and that I could contact him through Gun, but I didn’t reply. I heard the door close shut, but I didn’t move.
**
The next thing I remembered was waking up. Oddly, I was asleep on my bedroom floor. My eyes were hot, my face felt raw, and my throat was hoarse. The light was on so it was probably evening already. I heard someone talking outside the room so I went out. No one was in the living room outside the door. I walked past it as I went to the kitchen. I felt like I was missing something, but I couldn’t remember it just yet. The voices grew louder as I got closer and I recognized it. Gun was sitting on the dining table. He was talking to Off who was behind the counter, cooking something. He suddenly cut Gun off when he saw me walking in. Gun went to me and locked me in a hug. As if I was a patient, he guided me to the chair and sat in front of me. Off pulled another and sat down.
“Are you okay, buddy?” Off asked. His voice was soft and concerned. It felt like they knew something that I should also know. But my brain felt foggy and I could feel the creeping ache behind my head.
“Why are you guys here?” My two friends looked at each other. It was Gun who answered. “Off and I decided to live here for the time being. So we could take care of you.”
“Why would you take care of me?”
“Because of what happened with New.”
“New? Who’s New?”
“Huh? New, your—” Off said, but Gun touched him and he stopped talking. They looked at each other again and I demanded what was going on.
“New was just a friend. No one important,” Gun said. I wanted to ask more, but the creeping ache took grip of my whole head. I had trouble staying focused. “Are you okay, Tay?”
“Yeah, I said. “I’m just having a migraine.”
“Do you want something to eat?” Off asked. “I’m cooking caldereta for dinner.”
I stood up and said, “No, you go ahead. I’ll sleep this off. Goodnight.”
I walked back to the bedroom and even though I literally just got up, when my body hit my bed, drowsiness flooded to me. I felt exhausted. During that brief moment between consciousness and unconsciousness, before sleep completely took me over, I saw a face of a guy. He looked familiar and his name was right at the tip of my tongue. Before I could remember his name, I was asleep.
EPILOGUE: But On A Wednesday, In a Cafe, I Watch It Begin Again
I am in a cafe, busy finishing up a report for class I'll be teaching tomorrow, when I notice some guy eyeing me. I am sitting on a high stool and he is sitting directly across from me, in a much lower seat. He has a book on his lap, but I catch him looking up at me. He notices that and he puts his gaze back down. It’s not really me, but I find myself awkwardly carrying my laptop and iced coffee down to his table. I ask him if the seat in front of him is taken. He barely looks at me and shakes his head. I settle down my things and he is still busy reading.
“I know this is weird, but you look so familiar to me,” I tell him and it’s true. He has a face that I’ve seen before. He closes the book, but I notice that he has his finger to mark the page. “You don’t own a bookmark?” He looks at me confused when I say that so I point to the book he’s reading. “Oh,” he says and chuckles. I don’t know why but hearing him laugh caused a feeling of pang to my heart. I ignore it. “I don’t own bookmarks.”
“Are you from around?” I ask. “I’m almost always in this coffeeshop, but this is the first time I see you here.”
“No,” he answers. “I’m not from around here. I just moved, actually.”
“Really? Where?”
“In that condominium a short walk from here.”
“The one with the 7-Eleven on the ground floor?”
“Yup.”
“Hey! I live there!” He only smiles when I tell him that. “We’re probably neighbors.”
I reach my hand and introduce myself. “I’m Tay, by the way.” He takes it and I feel a pleasant sensation of electricity when our hands touch. “I’m New.” His name struck something within me and it feels like I know him, but I can’t remember how.
“Tay? Tay?” he calls. I notice that I am still holding his hand and I let go. I feel my face blush. “Sorry. I just had a déjà vu moment.” He smiles and says, “Did you know that there’s a theory that says that when we have a déjà vu moment, we’ve swapped consciousness with our parallel versions?”
“Parallel what?” I ask, chuckling softly.
“Parallel versions. Basically our doppelgangers, but they live in a parallel universe out there.”
“Why do you know all this?”
He picks the book from his lap. The title cover is gibberish and I wonder how he can read that. He says, “It’s all in this book.”
Have you ever had that moment? When you saw your life flash right in front of you? I experienced that right there. With his weird book in front of him, he smiles at me. His face glows, like stars in the night sky. I feel another pang in my chest, but it’s different. I know his smile will be the first and last thing I’ll see. I know that I’ll grow to love hearing his laughter and that I will always try to elicit that from him. I know that I’ll recognize his face through touch alone. I only just met him, but I know deep in my bones that I will love New forever.
 Part Five + Epilogue){kind=link}
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